Copyright 2009, Randy Strauss>

About Parenting a Child with Differences
A Summary of the Lessons I've Learned

1. Learn what's known and expected about "such people". Read stories about it, articles about it, experts views of it, all the first-hand accounts of it you can find, and keep asking your child about his/her experience. Consider and re-consider all the analogies deeply-- how is the analogy accurate and how is it inaccurate, where does it start being much different? How does each analogy help, and how might each hinder?
    
2. Don't assume your child is like any other, or that their symptoms or behavior or state of mind is like those of others or that "best practices" or common solutions will work for them. As above, consider how the explanations don't apply and the analogies fall short for your child.

   If the usual remedies or approaches for the diagnosis works for your child, consider yourself lucky. Most of these maladies/differences are poorly understood and the remedies even more poorly understood. Medicines have different effects at different times. Tolerances, or side-effects, or other symptoms can arise or worsen at any time. Bodies change, people grow, every new period of life brings changes. Plus, many of these people are more sensitive to their environment, so changes can come from any direction. Enjoy stability and improvements, and expect the unexpected.
    

3. Advocate for your child- Communicate to others your child's point of view- how they see things, what stresses them. Putting undue stress on anyone is a bad thing. Normal, healthy, caring people are able to, and should, be understanding of people with differences. Communicate to people these people with differences may seem "coddled", but in reality are doing a lot more to cope with life and are putting up with a lot more stress than the rest of us. They may seem remote and in their own little worlds, but it's because they are dealing with a lot more stress.
    
4. Advocate for your child- Empower your child to solve problems. Ask your child about solutions to problems. Take their word for it, but don't assume you understand their word, or even that they understand it. Assume they're doing the best they can, but new understandings arise over time, just as they do for us. When your child has problems with others, communicate as above, including helping them listen to your child's solutions.
    
5. Advocate for your child- Understand and mitigate their stress. All of us behave differently, and mostly less able, under stress. And long-term levels of high stress are very bad for long term health and development. Help make your child's life have lower stress, and help them communicate when stress levels are high and learn how to lessen stress levels.
    
6. Advocate FOR your child- Ensure consequences are "natural." Most disciplinary measures are unnatural. Zero-tolerance policies are extremely unnatural. The natural consequences of most strange actions of our "different" kids is the stress of peoples' reactions and the need to explain and advocate. The natural consequences of swearing at a teacher during stress is the stress itself, followed by the effort to get back to normal, and catching up with the rest of the class. There might also be guilt and separation and eventually talking to the teacher about it. A teacher's reaction of hostility or defensiveness or feelings of loss of authority or wanting retribution in the form of "disciplinary measures" is normal, but not natural-- it's purely "man-made" and unnecessary, partly due to our cultural dogma, and partly childish.

Copyright 2009, Randy Strauss>