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Jacqui Oliver, in a TED group on LinkedIn about a week ago said (paraphrasing):
How often do you react, instead of really hearing what your partner is asking of you?
... Here are 5 essential keys to restoring a happy relationship:
- Get clear on what you want as individuals
- Become in charge of how you express emotion
- Enhance your desire to connect intimately
- Communicate empathetically
- Stay focused on creating your ideal outcomes
I wanted to reply the following, but LinkedIn doesn't allow long replies:
"5 essential keys" out of, hundreds?
A big one for me is the one in your first sentence- noticing my reactions. By listening closely to the echoes after my partner speaks, I can often hear my brain trying on different reactions, jealous ones, trivializing, ridicule, concern for her, worry, fear she's focusing on something unnecessarily, worry about the time/money/distraction costs to me. It's clear my mind is doing its job of making meaning out of her words by trying on different meanings to see which fits best. And usually one emerges as a "best fit." And all that goes on in the background while I'm (trying to be) listening.
Of course, it's not really a "best fit", it's what fits most strongly in MY mind. At times, there's a very strong and obvious meaning. And often, if I repeat back to her what I heard (which I'm not that good at), and then ask her about meaning I got from her, she'll set me straight (!) that the meaning I got is not the one she's trying to communicate.
Mostly, I find it's better for me to nod and smile, perhaps repeating back to her the words I heard, and not worry about what it means, except to ask, "Shall I add that to my calendar?" (Often she tells me no, not yet...)
Recently I heard someone say, "Communication mostly occurs in the gaps between the words we say."
I took this to mean that my mind takes their words and places them in, not the context of their life and who they are, but in the context of what little I know about their life, and my simplistic ideas about who I think they are.
Then my mind views that slanted, somewhat-accurate, simplistic package of words and context through its highly subjective and judgemental self-centered (at least geometrically) perspectives to paint a picture for itself of what's going on with her and the world she encountered that she told me about. Finally, a moment later, it presents this to me, as "the truth." And THEN, the mind reacts to its own conclusion.
I appreciate its efforts. It's usually somewhat close (which I find pretty remarkable.) But mostly I find that believing it is a waste of energy.
At the risk of repeating:
Mostly, I find it's better for me to nod and smile, perhaps repeating back to her the words I heard, and not worry about what it means, except to ask, "Shall I add that to my calendar?"
PS: Yes, I should get back to work and put this distraction away...