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I'm taking a course to help enlarge my "impact" with PeopleCount. There are 20-30 others in the course, and we share with each other on a private network and support each other with ideas and feedback, plus compliments. It's a very positive place.
One guy in particular has been very complimentary- call him "Al".
Al posted about his recent successes, and mentioned that the "roller coaster" of his journey lately has been up and up, with no dips. I commented something like, "When the dips come, may they be all fun!"
And then in a private message, to not derail the conversation of the post, I made a little pun about another of his phrases.
He replied: Lol Rand you are such a wonderful soul.
I'm a bit uncomfortable with his comments. Instead of just "Lol" or "I enjoyed that", he makes it about me. That's really nice. I just don't know what to do with it.
Here's my response:
Thanks for all the complements and appreciation. Sure, I'm a good person, but a "wonderful soul"?
You often say such things. Maybe you just think well of me. On the other hand, people often repeat things when they don't think they've been heard. So, I'll spend a few minutes taking responsibility...
I just spent a few minutes walking around the house appreciating your appreciation for my soul.
I try to make my soul wonderful. I walked my dog last night, stopping every now and then to pick a bit of plastic up from the sidewalk, or the edge of a yard, or the gutter to prevent it from being washed to the bay during the next rain. Partly it's "be the change you want to see in the world." Partly it's contributing to a cleaner neighborhood. I also like the virtue, "Live life as an example."
I also pick up other dogs' droppings when I see them. Some people think this is wrong, that it "enables them." It lets them dirty the neighborhood without living in a dirtier neighborhood. I think of it as sparing a little kid from slipping in it, or tracking it into his classroom, or sparing a homeowner from getting angry about it.
I know that smart people know that life is a creation. And enlightened people know that identity is actually a creation. My ego wants to create that "I'm a good dog owner, not the irresponsible type." But instead I create that "We dog owners are responsible." And while I try hard to clean up after my dog, I, too, might have missed some.
Plus, why not? I often don't pick up trash when I'm trying to get my heart rate up by jogging. But when walking, it's just extra effort to bend down. If I'm not running, it's good to put in some extra effort.
Some people don't pick up trash. Some of them can't. The thoughts of other people's germs gross them out. Some others are too absorbed in their destination. And some people are all about "personal responsibility" so think it's best to let other people take care of their own litter or whatever ends up their yards, and that philosophy dictates their lives.
I believe in freedom. And that means not giving up choice to some simplistic philosophy.
My point is that many people aren't able to take responsibility for others' litter. Why would God give me that ability if I'm not supposed to use it?
I guess it's similar to PeopleCount, my effort to repair democracy. About ten years ago I realized that I was resigned about politics, and that made me "part of the problem." So I gave up my resignation and looked anew at how to be a responsible citizen. After a couple months, I saw that there really was no way-- the system seemed broken.
But in reading about politics, no one seemed to know why. Instead, there were lots of reasons why: greed, corruption, those people in that other party, the parties "sorting" us into optimal enemy camps, partisan supreme court justices, an archaic voting system, cheating in drawing district boundaries, people being prideful instead of humble, lying, and on and on.
So I looked into it. And I saw something new, a single, root cause for all of our problems. Why hadn't anyone seen this before?
I've been an expert problem solver, researcher and logician for forty years. I've also studied humanity in various way, including reading about sociology and psychology. Plus I've studied paradigms and institutions and what makes them so hard to change. I realized that part of our political system's defenses against change is making people like me think that politics doesn't need us, or isn't a good place for us.
So I now am responsible for showing others what's possible for politics. It's very, very difficult. I have great engineering skills. People seem to like me, but I don't seem to have people who will automatically believe me if I say something crazy like "politics can be fixed."
Most people think our only chance to fix our political system is by "fighting the good fight." Even my (ancient) mom finds it too difficult to think outside the box of her notions about politics.
While I've had a successful career, I'm not anywhere near wealthy enough to hire a team. And the wealthy people I've talked to say stuff like, "You're not ready" instead of, "Let's get you a team that can make this happen quickly."
I've tried not to let the pressure to fix politics kill me or my marriage. I considered sacrificing my retirement savings (which would also sacrifice my marriage), but concluded if it's going to work, I need to get others involved.
Plus, fixing politics is about being responsible and creating a better future together. Sacrificing my marriage is the opposite of both. Noah was asked to do the impossible, but wasn't asked to sacrifice his family...
I'm not religious. To me, goodness wants goodness, not obedience or prayer. But I guess that I recognized a higher calling when it showed itself. And I didn't give in to all the "reasonable" rationalizations that arose. In fact, I have given up a fair amount of my life to pursue it. And it has brought be a lot of pain, but I keep going. I guess that's enough to qualify me as "having a wonderful soul."
Okay. I accept that it gives you such delight that you have to exclaim it, Al.
Later...
I talked to my wife a bit about why I have some discomfort with Al's comments.
I think my ego believes I'm not known. I've
Despite this, I've heard comments about my blog less than once per year from friends and family. When I search my memory, maybe one brother has read more than a few of my articles.
Note that I'm clear this isn't significant. It could be that lots of people have read lots of these and I'm simply unaware of it. Yet instead of realizing that I don't know how many people know me, my ego believes I'm not known.
Al's remarks tell my ego that I'm known.
So I wrote a post in the Gratitude section of the private network:
I DM'd to Anesti today and he replied:
Rand you are such a wonderful soul
He makes it so personal! He has done this several times before- lobbed a wonderful, heartfelt acknowledgement that stopped me in my tracks. Uncomfortably.
Sure, maybe he's just being expressive. Maybe it's all about him. But then something else occurred to me. You know how if you don't get someone's communication, they need to repeat it? Maybe I needed to let it in.
I've always had some discomfort with positive comments. But rarely are comments that complimentary.
So I looked. Do I have a wonderful soul? I had to admit that, sure, I do. In fact, I've worked hard over the years, breaking down barriers, letting go of rackets, letting myself love life. But that wasn't the source of the discomfort...
So I talked to my wife about it. And in the course of that conversation, I saw it. My ego is attached to: "I'm not known." As soon as I started exploring that, a LOT of rationalization arose. A sure sign...
So I let it in. He sees me. I'm known.
And as soon as I cracked that door open, I began recalling bits of other wonderful expressions from so many of you (Peaches and Marcus included, if that's not obvious.) Anesti's comment was just the straw that broke the camel's racket. And then I recalled all the heart icons I had clicked on, with love. And then all the heart icons on my posts that I had dismissed, not letting the love in...
Thanks much, Anesti, and all of you, for hearing me and seeing me. And for being people who love so courageously and deeply.