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This is a follow-on to a previous blog, entitled, Disconnected
The friend wrote: There are 5 rich topics here:
"Connected" was part of the previous blog.
Really? What's comfort? Is it really a "thing" that you can "find"? Like you, I know this is just a way of talking. But why do we talk this way? What's the reality of it?
I think we call it comfort when we have no stress and no discomfort. That's relaxing and nice... Many people seem to have some amount of stress around others. Often we have less around family, or even none!
I used to always be stressed around people, though I wasn't aware of it. When I was around others, my brain's internal dialogue said I was separate and wanted to be closer. What I really wanted was to interact with people, talk, work, play together. While that was happening, I was happy, though still stressed, still worried it would stop. For me, being alone was less stressful, but still not happy because I was still lonely. I solved this by being buys, mostly reading, eating and watching TV. While my friend finds comfort in being by himself, I find comfort watching TV.
Where we find comfort is interesting information as part of the whole picture. There's value in knowing how I, or to me, my brain, operates. But it doesn't mean I should watch TV so I can be comfortable. It doesn't mean I should spend time alone in crowds so I get over the inner tensions. Those are possible, certainly. It also doesn't mean this is the way I'll be tomorrow. Though my brain is trained this way, science has discovered the brain is "elastic"- it can learn and change. The one thing that prevents the brain from changing is keeping life consistent with its wants, pretending its comforts much be appeased and discomforts avoided. In other words, assuming the brain is right and its thoughts significant.
You've probably noticed that I distinguish between "me" and "my brain". My brain thought I was unwanted and I accepted it. I didn't even question it. In fact, I thought that I was thinking it. I wasn't.
Those who meditate (and by that I mean empty the mind, not pray or chant or think on a single subject) know that they are not their brains. And by "brain" I don't mean the nerves and goo inside your head, I mean the part of it that generates the thoughts and interpretations and meanings. It's always judging. The other part, which I call "I", is the part that can be aware of the brain and exert some control of it.
I'm not saying these are actually separate parts. I'm saying that I can notice my brain thinking and shut it off, for a moment. I can get it to focus on one thought or one body sensation. I can tell it to "feel love and connection" and it'll turn to that. I can coach it to give up fighting something or to stop worrying about it being right. I can point out that it's a finite, fallible brain, seeing things from a narrow point of view, distilling an infinitely complex world into relatively simple thoughts- our simple theories aren't going to be very "correct".
In this sense, I can experience "me" as distinct from "the brain."
So when my friend says, "I always thought it was not right to be this way", to me, that was his brain thinking. Brains are programmed, trained. They often say the same thoughts over and over and over again. And, they're constantly thinking in terms of right and wrong. I can well believe his brain always thought that.
And, brains are inextricably wired into sensations and emotions. These give us the experience of significance. It wasn't just that his brain thought it was wrong to be that way, but that it meant something. Something was wrong! Our brains are wonderful machines. If a thorn pierces the skin, the brain not only notices, but makes it significant so we attend to it and fix it, pulling the thorn out, probably even sucking on the wound to clean it out so backeteria don't infect it which could cause death.
This is the nature of the brain- notice stuff, make up a meaning, judge it right or wrong and obsess about it until we get it fixed. It's a wonderful machine. We obsessed about hunting which got us to develop better and better strategies and tools so we could hunt more productively and safely.
But it's a double-edged sword. Looking for problems, it finds problems where none existed, creates meaning and significance for them and haunts us with them.
For me, life got so much better when I discovered this. I can simply notice that my brain is obsessing about nonsense and it'll begin to treat the obsession as nonsense. It rarely completely loses its significance, but over time it tones it down. My habits of feeling lonely still exist, but they're not very powerful- when they occur, they don't seem very significant. They're no longer a problem.
What's stopping you? Oh, right, your brain thinks it's a significant problem...
There are three solutions for this:
What's stopping you? Oh yeah, you think your brain is you.
If you really want to be free of the criticism, get some outside training. What I've said above is true for me, but reading such stuff was only a small part of what has made it true.
A big part has been courses from Landmark Worldwide. These course not only teach you great perspectives and techniques, they are workshops in which you study your life and your thoughts, experiences, sensations, emotions and attitudes so you can create a life you love and fulfill on the areas of life that are important to you.
All of the information you ever need are in books. And all the information in the world won't make you lose weight or play a great tennis game or publish a book or save a life- you actually need to take action out in the world, often actions that are new for you.
In performing these new actions, all sorts of obstacles will appear. Actually, that's not true. Things will happen and they'll seem to be obstacles. Landmark courses are like having extremely effective, inexpensive coaches helping you through all the real challenges in life.
Let me clarify what I mean by "inexpensive". Similar courses from other companies are about $500/day or more. Landmark courses are about $500 for 3 days. The Forum's price varies depending on where it's given, but it's currently $500-$600 for 3 11-hour days and a Tuesday evening, about 40 hours of course. This comes to about $15/hour.
Ongoingly, they give what they call "seminars". These are 10 3-hour evenings over the course of 13-18 weeks for $125 (maybe the price varies, too- this is what I pay, in San Jose.) That's $12.50 for 3 hours of coaching, plus very easy homework that helps you train your brain. Compare this with the cost of counseling of a "life coach." These courses are not counselingn of life coaching, but it illustrates how inexpensive it is.
Landmark is all about empowering you in the areas that are important to you, helping you powerfully live a life you love. That's their mission and their business is built around it.
I'm a customer of theirs, and a supporter. I'm committed to their mission as well. In my own project I'm transforming government to be responsive and accountable, politics to be constructive and satisfying and elections to be inexpensive and offer real choice. But I'm really doing it so we can have a world that works for everyone.
When I remember childhood, I mostly remember sadness and emotional suffering. The outside appearance of my life was a kid who was well taken care of, was excelling in school and was a bit shy. But inside, it was mostly sad and lonely. We belonged to the nearby swim club, we went skiing in the winters and waterskiied in the summers. The fun and love was heaped atop a personality dedicated to numbing itself from loneliness. Landmark courses let me see what I was missing, that numbing myself against this invented loneliness also numbed me to most of life, made me detached and aloof. I used them to discover the richness of life, to stop suffering and experience love, connection, freedom and joy. So when I sign off, I mean a lot when I say:
Enjoy,
Randy
Copyright 2013, Randy Strauss>