Giving Up Worthlessness

In my youth, I had a hidden belief that I was worthless. I didn't realize I had made it up. Nor did I realize that it completely colored how I saw life and people. I was aloof because I thought I was worthless, and I was deeply ashamed. Not realizing that I made this up, I tried to be important, tried to do well at the few things I could do, trying not to feel the shame. It didn't seem to work very well. I suffered the shame, and constant loneliness, and survived.

At age 28 I began to discover it, when I took The Forum. I also learned we're all pretty much afraid of others. I also learned that often other people interpreted my aloofness as me thinking they were unimportant, or in some way not good enough.

Since then, I often think people are great, even heroic at overcoming their fears. Most don't know that behind their fears there's really no danger. For most people, life takes real bravery.

Though in the last 30 years I've known "I'm worthless" is a lie, the brain patterns still arise many times daily. Usually it takes me less than a minute to recognize that the old familiar feelings aren't appropriate, that they're creating an untrue view of myself and the world.

In a seminar tonight we were looking at our experiences when we consider approaching someone else, when we consider intimacy. It was obvious to me that my fictitious worthlessness still arises. When I approach someone, my brain look for signs that I'm important to them- a smile, or just them meeting my gaze. If they don't, sometimes I catch it anyway and let it go and then am free to greet, smile, talk and listen. And sometimes I don't catch it in time and the opportunity slips away.

Tonight I saw something new. What I saw newly was that whether they're inviting, or whether I catch my fear and connect anyway, in the background of my brain there's a belief that when we're finished talking, I'll no longer be important to them!

I'm committed to a new possibility for politics and government, a new system of communication and accountability that will change everything. For starters, we can have all members of Congress work together peacefully and productively. And there's much more, including ending the Israeli/Palestinian conflict and all other wars.

I've begun, but I haven't successfully finished the first steps, including building a committed team. I've been at this almost three years, so it has been mainly failure so far.

If I'm successful, I'll be important, even historical. I'm committed to the vision of PeopleCount.org for humanity, for a future that works well for everyone. To me, we're all important. If the vision is realized, it'll be fine if I don't get any reward or recognition. But probably, if we're successful, I'll be important.

Tonight I realized that if I hold onto this notion that when I leave a conversation, I won't be important to people, I'll be holding onto an idea of myself that's completely incongruent with the task I'm committed to. For purely practical purposes, I should let it go. I will.