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Dad thought he had a heart attack Saturday night- stabbing pain. He took some Nitro - it helped a bit. Then the pain returned. He took some more, it didn’t help. He called the nurse to get some relief from the pain. She called 911.
They were there in minutes. Moving around, he felt better. But it was too late... And it was the middle of the night, he was exhausted. Of course the hospital started antibiotics and an IV. He got better.
But he’s not great. It turned out he had pneumonia. Apparently he and mom had both caught colds Wednesday...
I talked to him on Sunday. He had just wanted relief from the searing pain, not to get better. But he erred, he accepted it.
Monday morning Bob called me on the way to the hospital. He said they think the infection is viral as well as bacterial. Bob and I talked about Dad's wishes. Maybe he wants to be off the meds? If it’s really viral, the antibiotics won’t kill it. He’ll still have pneumonia. Dad had had a bout with pneumonia a few years ago. That time he had passed out and, contrary to his written wishes, Mom let them intubate him and give him oxygen. He recovered, but regretted that he had missed that opportunity to exit. He had been very clear with us not to let them do that again.
Then I called Dad. We talked. Did he really want to exit? Yes. He said he felt like 90% of his usual, but that’s not so great. He wanted to stop.
I told him that if he tells them "he feels 90%", that’ll send them the signal like he’s healthy. Every positive sign of hope makes them react with life-saving instincts. They won’t let him die till they feel he’s dying. As long as he eats, drinks or takes medicines, they’ll take those as signs that he wants to live. Plus, those will keep him alive longer.
He appreciated that. But he said he doesn’t want the pain. He said he asked them about morphine and they shied away. I reminded him they don’t know what to do- they’re regular doctors and nurses. He needs to demand hospice- they are the ones who know what to do. (I erred- I meant palliative care, end-of-life care. "Hospice" is end-of-life care at home.) He should clearly, and loudly, express when he’s in pain. He said he did that- they offered him tylenol. I said he should insist on something strong. He said the last time he did that, they acquiesced to give him Ibuprofen.
He told me he refused breakfast this morning, though he was hungry. But he forgot about the IV. He’ll stop that as well as the antibiotics. He’ll ask for hospice.
I said good-bye. He got weepy, as did I. He said he loves me and my brothers, and just to take good care of ourselves and our families. Then he said he’ll stop crying if I would. I agreed. I asked him if Bill and Michael should call. He said no- it just makes him cry and that hurts his lungs. I asked, if they need to say good-bye, can they text it to Bob? He said that’d be fine. Then I stupidly said, "Give my love to Pixie." (She was our dog, for many years...)
A short while later, Bob reached the hospital. His #1 priority is to start palliative care. #2 is support mom. Then mom arrived.
Soon after, they stopped the IV and the antibiotics. A while later the doctor visited and quizzed dad- did he really, really, REALLY understand what this meant? (His questions were more articulate...) Then he went to confer with his team.
Later, tragedy struck. The doctor returned and said Dad was just too well to start palliative care or to be referred to hospice. Dad asked lots of questions, and agreed to resume the IV and antibiotics.
Meanwhile, I talked to a nurse at another hospital’s hospice services. When my father-in-law died, a guy came with a bed to take care of him in the last few days. They don’t do that in Washington, unless you find such a person yourself (or maybe that’s the same here in California- I don’t know...) The hospice people would set dad up and show Mom and Bob how to administer whatever meds were needed. If something strange happened, a nurse would be available by phone, and could be out within a half hour or so (depending on traffic...)
An alternative would be to check into a nursing home that offers hospice care, and just pay for a few days. For instance, if he catches another cold, he should check himself in. Then if things go south, there are prepared people right there.
He said he’d check on all that when he got home. So he’s got a project to work on...
PS: We also talked a bit about Dad's obituary.
I started writing some memories, but didn't have time to finish...
-r