Shanah Tova, Happy New Year

Of all the aspects of Judaism, I think I like New Year's the best- reflecting, making amends, admitting we're human. Of course, I don’t go to synagogue, much less fast or pray.

I don't like going to services. I find its references to God primitive and unsophisticated, sort of a lie.

I get it that it puts people in touch with feelings of awe, gratitude, oneness, love, connection, and gives them new experiences of reflection and new perspectives.

I don't particularly get those. It would take effort to have them during a service. Those feelings only give me slight pleasure- they're not worth the time and effort.

The sermons are often interesting to listen to- at my synagogue, they're usually well-written talks. But the sermons are rarely that interesting. Usually they give perspectives on common occurrences. Rarely do I find those perspectives new.

And when they are interesting, I start thinking. But they continue talking, interrupting my thoughts. And there are people all around who are listening, yet they are not interesting in me interrupting to share my thoughts. So it's a bit frustrating.

The prayers, on the other hand, and the biblical versus are almost never the least bit interesting. So I sit there bored till they're over. If I had a laptop, I could write about what I'm thinking, but people find that rude. If I'm home listening to a service, and then start writing on my computer, I'll probably be too engrossed to listen. I'll probably even find the noise distracting, so I'll turn it down and then forget to turn it back on.

I love having interesting discussions with interesting people. I almost never get those.

I have plenty to keep me interested and curious, and plenty to do. I do wish I had more company doing them. But spending time in a synagogue doesn't seem to offer to satisfy this.

I don't mind that other people like it. I was trained in my 20's, and again in my 50's, to be able to generate the feelings I wanted, like awe, gratitude, oneness, love, and connection. Sometimes I get depressed because I haven't been generating them enough and my inner child needs some attention. But mostly when I get depressed it's due to a realistic hopelessness, and an appreciation for the suffering that exists and the greater suffering that's probably coming. Mostly, when I get depressed, it's because there's a lot of pain in my own frustration at seeing how we can avoid the suffering, but having neither the resources nor the partners to help.

And most of the time, I'm busy, not depressed.

Happy New Year!